Relationships dead in the water

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QUESTION:

Dear Kita,

I’ve heard recently that my problem is staying in or entering a relationship that is dead in the water. When do you make the effort and when do you end it?

–  Angel eyes. 36, Missisipi, USA.

 

ANSWER

For a relationship to be dead in the water, that means that it is doomed from the start. In that case it is clear that the relationship is headed no where and that the two partners involved are ill suited.

A  relationship is basically dead in the water when you get into it for all the wrong reasons.

Surprisingly, this is not an uncommon situation found in a lot of relationships today. Why? Because it is increasingly difficult for people to find or meet the right partners for no fault of their own at times, but simply due to the way society functions.

Work hours, the daily grind, commuting from home to work and all that is in-between can keep some of us so busy and left with little or no time to socialise or fraternise.

Also where to meet people is not as easy as it used to be. No eligible partner is going to see you walking across the street and just walk up to you without any previous knowledge of who you are. Gone are the innocent days when that used to happen. With so much crime and complicated situations these days, people are increasingly cautious of  who they talk to, who they meet,and where they meet.

Social media platforms are another interesting way to meet people these days, but even then again you have to sort through all the ‘freaks’ and not many eligible people have bought into internet dating yet, so more than half of your dating options are not available online.

In the end, by the time you finally meet an eligible guy and go out on a date with him you feel so grateful to have had a date at all and to finally have some company other than yours that at this point you are ready to ignore all the negative relationship red flags.

Now you are left with two options: break it off and be lonely again, or manage the not too perfect budding relationship and at least have someone to talk to/keep you company for a while whether it ends well or not.

Now, here are the reasons why you need to opt for option one.

When you continuously get into dead water relationships you are harming no one other than yourself.

It’s not easy I know but you need to be strong. You need to be strong enough to be alone. You need to be strong enough to surround yourself with things and people and friends who will make you strong and keep you focused on your goals and ambitions in life.

Sometimes you even need to be strong enough to ask for help. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

You need to be strong enough to love yourself and to do everything within your capacity to make your life a success.

In this world that we live in you have the option to live happy or to live unhappy. To find love and joy or to find pain and heartbreak.

You must take responsibility for your life, for your actions and for the consequences.

You need to make all the effort you can to find love and happiness even if it means being tough with yourself and being alone sometimes.

You need to take a journey into the self and find yourself. You need to explore your inner most needs and desires bearing in mind that it is not everything that we want that we actually need.

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Most of all, never settle for less than you deserve or else you will end up regretting it and ‘under loving’ yourself for the rest of your life.

If you believe in yourself your confidence will shine through and you will equally attract others that have the same light as you.

What you need is a partner who compliments you, who lifts you up, who sincerely cares for you and shares the same values as you. A partner who also makes you want to love with abandon and to become the best you that there could possibly be.

A partner who supports your ideas and your dreams. A partner whose ideas and dreams you are ready to support too. This is when you must make the effort to make it work.

Not every relationship is meant to work. Some people we meet in life are meant to be friends or acquaintances or business partners. Not everyone we meet is meant to be our romantic destiny.

We must choose wisely and follow our hearts. Our instincts. Our instincts never lie. You know when it is right. Deep inside you know. You have no doubts, you have no fears. Only passion burns inside of you. That deep gut feeling of excitement that is 100 percent positivity. You know. When you know, you know, and nothing can shake it. You know what you really want and what you really need, and when you find it, you will know, and you’ll be surprised at how you never realised this before. It will be a no brainer. It will feel as comfortable as second skin.

Ask yourself – if you had all the money in the world – everything you ever wanted – who would you choose as your life partner? Would he be the one? If your answer is yes, then you are unto something good and you should make the effort to keep it.

Here is the one big choice you need to make. The one choice that can make or break you; You can have a relationship that leaves you sour and leaves a large gaping hole in your heart that will be forever longing for more.

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Or you can find a soul connection with an incredible life partner that will be as exhilarating as nothing ever has been before.

The choice is yours to make. Are you ready to dive into a whole new beautiful and liberating depth?

Or are you satisfied with being still? Forever floating on dead water?

  • Kita

 

Other answers: (opinion polls)

My answer to the question is: nothing really happens by surprise in any relationship. The signs are always there. You should consider the person and circumstances very well before taking the leap. There’s the possibility that you have a saviour’s mentality. See original imageThe type that makes you think you can change him or cope or all men are the same. You need to shed that, map out what you want in a relationship, the kind of man you would be happy with (not manage with) and you shouldn’t settle for anything that is not that.

You should stop managing. Too many people manage relationships that don’t make them happy. One shouldn’t settle when it comes to love. Or so I think sha. If it’s not right, it’s not right. Time won’t make it right.

–  Madam B. 26, Ajah, Lagos, Nigeria.

 

If it is dead in the water that is because she looks and is attracted to the wrong guys who are not looking for the same thing as her. Just be yourself. Make an effort to make the relationship work but if your partner is not also making an effort then you should stop.

– Simon, 46, Paris, France.

 

It could be that you are too dependent on the relationship emotionally or financially.

Or the fear of loneliness or what people would say holds you hostage!

You need to change that mind set of making this your ‘pattern’ to go for the same kind of guys or dead water situation. You just need to take a few moments and do some self introspection.

There’s a psychological pattern that skews the human mind into expecting the same results especially if it has gone through some kind of abuse.

You need to purge yourself of any belief which pushes you to blame yourself for someone else’s short comings.

You can tap into the good in yourself, then your light will outshine See original imageany form of darkness…

You also need to surround yourself with positive people See original imagewho can speak life into your situations. No one ever said the journey of relationships would be easy…

The intricate but sweet nature of love is revealed to us as we move along…

– Frank, 45, Joburg, SA

 

If the relationships are doomed, she need not invest in them at all. She should cut her losses and wait for the right one.

– Wise chic, 44, Arizona. US.

 

First you have to be able to recognise when it’s dead in the water. Denial is dangerous as it can keep you bondage for a long time, years and years even. Women are blessed with an uncanny intuition. If you trust your gut feeling you will know when to bail.

-Pamela, 42, VI, Lagos, Nigeria.

 

See original imageIf You Can Love The Wrong Person That Much, Imagine How Much You Can Love The Right One life quotes quotes quote moving on quotes quotes about moving on:

Stop shacking up with emotional con-artists. There will be more emotional turmoil in your life by having them remain in your life, compared to how bad you think it'll feel to break up with him.  #MeredithMarple #belongtolove: Bad relationships. Love yourself.: If they do it often, it isn’t a mistake; it’s just their behavior. - Steve Maraboli:

I struggle daily. But the bad far outweighed the good. So many lies. No much deception.: Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it: 12 Lies You Tell Yourself When You're In A Bad Relationship | Gurl.com:

You had chances to make things work but you made yourself look bad especially since you were planning to get rid of me after the event: SAD....but, true.  I am never not mourning the loss of someone I once knew, but won't let it stop me from moving on: When someone keeps making the same mistake over and over again, it's no longer a mistake. It's a habit. #cheaters #liars:

How does he/she treat you? Actions speak louder than words. A hubby & wife show Body Language in the parking lot, the stores or just taking a walk down the road. That Body Language is do they hold your hand, place their arm on your back at the stores, SMILE at small things, walk with you instead of the other side of the store and ask your opinion?: Why people leave bad relationships »: See original image

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I have found myself discussing rebounds a lot lately. For those who don’t know, a rebound is when you end [...]:

Visit the following links below for more juicy info on this topic.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/love-and-relationships_b_4343243.html

http://elitedaily.com/dating/gentlemen/11-signs-you-need-to-leave-your-relationship/

 

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One thought on “Relationships dead in the water

  1. Finding yourself now and again, time after time, in a dead relationship has to do with you more than the men you date. It is a symptom of how you see yourself most of the time. I believe that over time as humans (mainly women) generally after back to back failed relationships or after life as taken us on its crocked journey, if we are not careful, we lose a bit of something.. something so vital and key for success, love and happiness. Self Value & Esteem.

    Most people would say that as the girl always leaves etc, then she is in control etc. But irrespective of which gender gets hurt, if you love yourself, truly love yourself, you will protect your self and pair yourself only with those that their values, match, compliments and sometimes supersede yours. And you will take your time to decipher these thing before getting attached emotionally. You will fall those values you so admire in yourself and your close friends (you have so carefully picked). And when you are asked why you love him, you will know why. You will have a bond that makes for good friendship. The foundation will be right.

    I am not saying that even relationships that are built on the right foundation cannot fail. But i find that such relationships might not make it through to marriage but both parties gain alot from each other and the separation is hardly bitter and sometimes, they remain friends.

    Ultimately, as we always say there is one man for every woman….And the statistics of the ratio of men to women in the world tend to agree. Who better to direct you to your soulmate that God himself.

    So my advise is – Try to make Tom Dick & Harry a thing of the past, Ignore society and their prejudices,, work on yourself.. be the best you can be in preparation for that man. Pray and live right and he will come.

    Remember, Loneliness is a thing of the mind. Some people have a million friends (at least on social media) but are still lonely lol. Also society may frown or judge your singledom but you alone suffers the breakup from a bad relationship.

    Choose wisely

    Like

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