Girl code: The desperate call

Image result for phone call images

Don’t touch that dial!!!

Most girls go through this. You probably have to be completely isolated on some far away never heard of before island in the middle of the Mediterranean if you haven’t.

It’s that awful moment you know you are going to regret for the rest of your life but some psycho switch in your muddled fuzzy mind wills you to do it.

Your girl friends have begged you not to, threatened to cut off your hands even, but to you right now, your girlfriends look like Timothy Scrooge and who takes advice from a scrooge anyway?

So you wait for your ‘evil’ girlfriends to let you be and go home (this could mean anything from 2hours to 48 hours depending on how mean and ruthless your girlfriends can be).

Then you make that foolish call that’s going to break your heart into pieces just a little bit more. But hey, maybe you needed the wake up call.

So you ask, what exactly is that call that we girls are talking about?

It’s that sad call of desperation when your boyfriend (or fling, yeah, you might have just been a fling to him) just broke up with you or is just deliberately acting like a dumb ass.

Sometimes, it’s a text message. In fact, now, a lot of times it’s a text message cause you don’t even have the guts to lend your shame a voice.

And instead of lifting your head up high and walking on by like you know you should, you damn the consequences and make an utter and complete fool of yourself as if the world would stop rotating on its axis if you didn’t…make a fool of yourself.

Image result for irritated man answering call

At worst he doesn’t answer your call and you make an even bigger fool of yourself by calling for up to 30 times and then you cross that invisible threshold that keeps you from being a frightening psycho stalker.

And once you cross that threshold you know he’s never going to call you again or answer you again or (sleep with you again) unless it’s just to cuss you out or spite you.

At best he picks up the call and answers you in his ‘I’m tired of you’ voice that you’re too desperate to pick up on, or he just ignores your evil text messages…forever. And damn! Forever hurts forever like a little bitch.

 

When you do make that call or text it’s either one of these two things:

It’s an ‘I love you’ plea, or it’s an ‘I Hate you and I want to watch you bleed and die.’

Personally I’m more a fan of the latter.

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Alanis sings: “And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back I hope you feel it. Well can you feel it?!!!”

You should play that song anytime you get that desperate call, itchy finger feeling. It works wonders for the ego.

And then you lie in bed for the next two weeks crying yourself to sleep every night with the imaginary shakes, and saying ‘why?’ watching dirty dancing and titanic every day, at times 3 times a day and in the middle of the night when you should be asleep but you can’t block out the freaky sound of being dumped unceremoniously that shrieks in your head all the time during this period.

Uncharacteristically bingeing on any kind of food you see and buckets of ice cream and chocolates or drinking shamelessly all by yourself.

Image result for black woman eating bucket of ice cream

It’s a really lonely period because we fellow girls can be mean like that, you know, none of your girlfriends want to be around you when you’re in a sad mopey mood.

Everyone just abandons you.

Your sad desperation rubs off on everyone around you and you remind other girls of their own sad and desperate moments. No one likes a cry baby.

Oh and FYI this is Green light time for all the creepy male friends of yours who are freaks who’ve actually been waiting for a weak moment like this when they can crawl into your bed.

Image result for man consoling crying woman.

It’s your most vulnerable time. All he has to say is ‘honey I kind of like you only a little bit’ and you’re flinging yourself at him and slobbering all over him and letting him touch you or sleep with you just to feel good or wanted again and then when you get ‘desperation sober’ you’ll just hate yourself all over again for being an even bigger fool. Twice a fool… In the span of two weeks… Or a week… Or a day.

Now I’m not here to judge you, just saying, sometimes you DO need to act the fool to get it all out of your system, that doesn’t make you a bad person at all… but if you don’t want to act the fool and make that desperate call, here are some tips on how you can get by:

  1. Lock your phone up, or detach it and give it to one of your mean girlfriends to hold for you. Girl you know you aren’t that strong.
  2. Cut your hands off (I’m joking. Just tie your hands up with a rope or cello tape them with duct tape)
  3. Play that song I spoke about for a day or two all day – ‘You outta know.’ by Alanis Morissette, in fact go by the CD. Every girl should have a copy of that song in her drawer on stand by. Do you even know the first thing about how to ease your pain?
  4. Don’t go doing the rebound thing, it makes you feel good for a minute and then you feel worse for inflicting what was inflicted on you to someone else. Or you just feel even more degraded. And if you don’t feel any remorse for that then you’re a complete nut job and this post isn’t for you.
  5. Force your sad self on your girlfriends. Yes, they hate you right now… but who cares? Misery loves company. Talk to them, spill your guts to them. Ask them ‘why, why why?’ Who knows- maybe they’re in his head. Maybe they know why he dumped you even if they’ve never met him before. Maybe they know some aliens up in space who might know how to psychically tap into his brain and get all the answers. Cry with them and then when they kick you out (and they will)… curse them out too.
  6. Work. Work hard, extra hard. Put yourself to work. Throw yourself into work. Stay late nights, volunteer. Just don’t stay cooped up in your hole of a house bawling.
  7. Don’t talk to friends who are not really your friends or else you’ll never be able to live this down. It prolongs the pain and the shame.
  8. Take a trip. Take time out to go visit family. You’ll probably be too ashamed to open up completely to them but at least you know that they ‘got you’ and they’re family and it gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling especially when you eat some of mama’s soul food.

Have a great time girls and don’t make that call or make that call, it’s all up to you. You know what to do!

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